Don't want to be depressing

Sometimes I feel like I'm not strong willed enough to do whatever I'm supposed to do to become a better person , to improve .

I can be such a pessimist at times despite how some people praised me for my optimistic self lol 

Life has it's challenges. To become better , you have to fight and sacrifice . Fight for the courage,spirit and determination and sacrifice your time coz you know what , it takes time to actually see the result . Some may not take that long but some can actually take ages to actually finally see the result and outcome of it :) 

The thing is , I still have this problem where I become demotivated very easily when I muck up in something I shouldn't be mucking up . When I failed something I shouldn't failed . When I let down people's expectation when I shouldn't be and yeah all those stuff demotivates me but usually after a few minutes or hours or days , my motivation returns . The realization hits me . I was being stupid again . Wasn't it me who actually gave those motivational positive motivations to people bout how you have to be positive,determined etc etc before? lol the irony .

Stuff like this can really bring down my shield at times . I wonder , am I a hypocrite? If I am , then maybe I should just shut my mouth and not say anything for it won't do me any good .

I don't want to be someone depressing . Someone who get stressed out over minor things . I just don't want to be like those type of people but sometimes it's hard to keep my strong front . To keep smiling . To keep being positive esp. when I already failed . Tough luck Maryam . Tough luck .