messed up but

beautiful.
Beautifully messed up?
like that la.

Hm well how to start a blog post?
ah who cares. Dah start dah pun heheh.

You see, this year is a pretty happening year. A year which i think i will remember for quite awhile because

1. it's my SPM year

 2. Bad things are happening in Gaza, Syria, Myanmar, all the disasters that happened to planes and basically a lot of bad things happened

3. A new chapter of my life is getting closer

4. I think i have already figured out what to do and what to be after SPM but of course there will always be a but. Kalau takde tu that's not me, that's an alien from outer space menyibuk nak jadi maryam. k.

 5. I have my dreams but i'm not exactly sure what to do and where to go to achieve that dream

6. I don't ever want to be a boring adult who become dull and monotone and tak baca quran and stuff dah and become so worried and occupied by money and jobs to the point where they forgot their life goals and dreams.

7. What if i die and my deeds tak cukup? Nauzubillah.

I say my life right now is beautifully messed up. I might pass as calm and well nothing is wrong spm mesti A+ punya style to some but haha. Let's just say, I'm pretty cluttered and disorganized and my mind seems to never stop talking. Shut up. Oh and I fall asleep like 1,2,3 sleep! when i'm alone. *applause* but at the same time, i'm living. Trying to fix those mistakes and flaws, trying to improve myself, picking up the shards, gluing it back because you see, i don't think i can afford being weak and fragile in this current era where at times, everything seems, vile. Soon, it'll be my turn to step up to the battle court. At that time though, will i be ready? Rhetorical questions, man i hate those. Only time will tell and God knows best.

I find it messed up how my old life is, but at the same time, it's beautiful. It's beautiful how those little and big mistakes i did are what makes me, me. It's messed up how i get so envious of others when i see how happy and successful and charming they are, and how completely opposite i am but then it's beautiful how that envy constantly become my alarm clock. Always ringing the Alhamdulillah bell for me. Reminding me that hey maryam, if you actually have all that, you might not become who your are right now, in fact you might become worse. God knows best God knows best.

It's also very messed up how a lot of tragedies *being dramatic here* or to tone it down, extremely stressful and tough moments happened to me but in the end, the lesson is always, beautiful. It's too personal though, i can not tell but i'm sure though, thousands of people out there experienced those beautifully messed up moment.

I feel like, the people in Gaza, Syria, Myanmar are also experiencing it,
Because, after all they had been through, God will certainly reward them.

Cries and grief are a norm to them,

bullets and bombs are nothing to them,

Grey skies and gloomy days are calm to them,

because those days for them,

are better than,

days filled with shouts and terror.

but Oh people,

people of courage,

know that the world is not simply made of,

mirage.

because the world do cry for you,

although some still point they fingers,

at you.

God though,

watches and listens,

to your silent grief and whispers.

never missing a single blister.

and don't worry,

O people who worry

because in the Quran,

God has promised.

and,

Paradise is what He promised,

For your faith, bravery, patience and spirit.

Long rest and happiness will be for you,

In the most beautiful place God, has created,

for you who went through this messed life,

but every night look up,

and thank Him for this beautiful beautiful life.