Life

Life once understood,

the fadeness dulls

the dullness shimmers

with colors of life

Life once understood

is a sense of relief

to the fatigued travellers

who yearns for nothing but freedom

Life once understood

takes away the miseries

the bored forced day you call,

everyday

Life once understood

shines amidst the haze

a rainbow

after a storm

smiles throughout the grief

peace throughout the chaos

hearts filled with nothing

but a knowledge

of what I am living in this world for

why bother too much?

For me, as much as some people view interacting through the online medium is important especially in this isolated life we are all living in but...

I don't see the excitement or life in it.
Sure, it helps you communicate with people far away and fix those broken bond and give some sort warmth in your gloomy isolated life after chatting for a bit with some people online but.....

in the end, it will never be the same.
You can chat a LOT with someone online but only speak little to nothing words with that person in real life in fact you might even never talk.

Only in real life, you'll truly know who you truly enjoy talking to or close to and who truly care about you. NOT through online mediums. A random stranger can easily weave some beautifully strung words that enchants your whole life and make you feel like a fairy or fluffy bunny but....does that stranger even truly truly care or meant it? Was the words written came from the stranger's sincere heart or simply because the stranger felt like it.

Excuse me, all this emojis like smiley face :D can be typed without any happy emotions.

Plus, having too much social mediums can be a burden, for me at least. Thus is why I shut down most of my old social website accounts, A lot of people, including me sometimes expects just because I send something to her or him or whatever, that person has to reply asap and if you don't, well that hurts. As if, that another person does not have any real life activities going on and that person's life is completely dedicated to respond to your online hellos. Please.

anddd, everyone has their own mood swings. Sometimes we're in a decent mood and are online thus type type send but at other times we can be in a hurricane mood and thus the lack of energy to respond to any no emotion online hellos. It all goes back to whether you are a human living in this real harsh world or a robot living in that lovely virtual world of yours.

Conclusion is, communicating online can be fun to some extend but that's it. It does not indicate who truly cares about you or who you are close to or whatever.

plus people like me, find online conversations tiring at times cause idk what the other person expressions or feelings is at that time so there.

There's no need to be hurt or sad because someone ignore you or say something mean about you online because truth is, everyone once online creates their own facade and personas. Some have even more that one. Creepy.

hmkdahtheend

Anyone can say it but

As humans each of us, talk.
We talk talk talk.
Sometimes we talk to others, for others, to us, for us.

It's interesting though,
how anyone in this world can say nice things to you,
can give out beautiful words that might motivate you,
can ask you questions that show they care,

but only few truly reach the heart of the listeners,
and plus,
despite the fact that nearly anyone can say it you,
only a few chose to give you those words.

and even if they say it,
the signal does not reach the destined place at all times.

Why?
because we all, when we talk, we either talk for others, to others, to us or for us.
Even when we say nice things,
sometimes, those words, serve more as a comfort for us than to the listener at the other end.
Sometimes, we say it but never meant it.
We think we meant it but no, it was never that.

If the nice words we say are truly what we meant,
than the listener would feel it.
They would know,
we would know.

IT'S ALL GOOD

THE STORM HAS PASSED!

happy maryam is back Alhamdulillah.

All i needed really was quality communications with real people in the real world hah.

So ya, hi spm. Time to do some catching up with you and no that doesn't mean i like you, i still hate you but no way am i letting you take the joy in me. Let's all be humans who truly know, understand and appreciate that fact and not try to copycat a robot because robots does not have a life and i do. CONQUER THE WORLD.

why is it so hard?

I don't understand a lot of things.
and that includes myself.

Why is it that everyday no matter how hard i try, it's just so hard to open up and express myself propely.
Even with the closest people or people i really want to open up to, it's just so effin hard.
Why?

and in the end, the one who sinks is me.

Nights like this, or should i say, mornings sebab dah 2 am hah hah is those nights where my mind wander and i go into those denial phase, running away from reality but oh, what good does that bring.

I need to talk to people but once i get the chance, a wall forms.
Preventing the words from coming out and benda lain yang keluar.

Why though?

How come it can be so easy for me at times to communicate and talk to others but at the same time i never seem to be able to really let myself out there. Afraid still, still afraid, of myself.

I hate telling people how insecure i am,
because, i don't want others to get influenced by the negativity and sink.

Thus,
is why i have so many little notes in my laptop, a notepad, countless diaries and random pieces of papers - those are all for my own sake in order to have a healthy mind har har.

You know what, just sleep.

but that's just it.

I don't want to step back into reality, yet.

Why?

Why though. Why.

Chunks #3

Has not God stated,

that the Quran can cause the ice to melt,

for those who seek the light,

only for them,

the world will be bright.

Has not God stated,

that if you're sad and in a broken state,

come back,

come back,

to a remember God state.

Because no matter how kind people are,

no matter how comforting food are,

no matter how much you hate yourself for who you are,

or love yourself for who you are,

only God knows you,

for who you are.

Then tell me why then?

am I still in this trance?

one moment flying one moment sinking.

Tell me why then?

is my heart still not filled with ease?

eyes open at nights, when I was supposed to sleep.

Who hold the answers,

for my never ending wonders?

day and night I wander,
but no soul seems to wonder.

Blame the world,
blame the media,
blame the wars,
blame,
blame.

but I understand,
there should be no one to blame but, me.

I constantly fall,
and constantly forget,
constantly wander,
without any aims but,
to fall.

So how can I blame?
when this self is at fault.

Inspirations.

From one picture comes thousand of thoughts, ideas, perspectives, stories, motivations and inspirations.
Amazing isn't it?
 Subhanallah.

messed up but

beautiful.
Beautifully messed up?
like that la.

Hm well how to start a blog post?
ah who cares. Dah start dah pun heheh.

You see, this year is a pretty happening year. A year which i think i will remember for quite awhile because

1. it's my SPM year

 2. Bad things are happening in Gaza, Syria, Myanmar, all the disasters that happened to planes and basically a lot of bad things happened

3. A new chapter of my life is getting closer

4. I think i have already figured out what to do and what to be after SPM but of course there will always be a but. Kalau takde tu that's not me, that's an alien from outer space menyibuk nak jadi maryam. k.

 5. I have my dreams but i'm not exactly sure what to do and where to go to achieve that dream

6. I don't ever want to be a boring adult who become dull and monotone and tak baca quran and stuff dah and become so worried and occupied by money and jobs to the point where they forgot their life goals and dreams.

7. What if i die and my deeds tak cukup? Nauzubillah.

I say my life right now is beautifully messed up. I might pass as calm and well nothing is wrong spm mesti A+ punya style to some but haha. Let's just say, I'm pretty cluttered and disorganized and my mind seems to never stop talking. Shut up. Oh and I fall asleep like 1,2,3 sleep! when i'm alone. *applause* but at the same time, i'm living. Trying to fix those mistakes and flaws, trying to improve myself, picking up the shards, gluing it back because you see, i don't think i can afford being weak and fragile in this current era where at times, everything seems, vile. Soon, it'll be my turn to step up to the battle court. At that time though, will i be ready? Rhetorical questions, man i hate those. Only time will tell and God knows best.

I find it messed up how my old life is, but at the same time, it's beautiful. It's beautiful how those little and big mistakes i did are what makes me, me. It's messed up how i get so envious of others when i see how happy and successful and charming they are, and how completely opposite i am but then it's beautiful how that envy constantly become my alarm clock. Always ringing the Alhamdulillah bell for me. Reminding me that hey maryam, if you actually have all that, you might not become who your are right now, in fact you might become worse. God knows best God knows best.

It's also very messed up how a lot of tragedies *being dramatic here* or to tone it down, extremely stressful and tough moments happened to me but in the end, the lesson is always, beautiful. It's too personal though, i can not tell but i'm sure though, thousands of people out there experienced those beautifully messed up moment.

I feel like, the people in Gaza, Syria, Myanmar are also experiencing it,
Because, after all they had been through, God will certainly reward them.

Cries and grief are a norm to them,

bullets and bombs are nothing to them,

Grey skies and gloomy days are calm to them,

because those days for them,

are better than,

days filled with shouts and terror.

but Oh people,

people of courage,

know that the world is not simply made of,

mirage.

because the world do cry for you,

although some still point they fingers,

at you.

God though,

watches and listens,

to your silent grief and whispers.

never missing a single blister.

and don't worry,

O people who worry

because in the Quran,

God has promised.

and,

Paradise is what He promised,

For your faith, bravery, patience and spirit.

Long rest and happiness will be for you,

In the most beautiful place God, has created,

for you who went through this messed life,

but every night look up,

and thank Him for this beautiful beautiful life.

Chunks #2

Wash away,

wash away,

let the rain,

wash you away.

O little bird,

what do you feel?

sitting in the tree,

under the thick rain,

while knowing,

knowing,

the tree can fall,

the rain can worsen,

a hail may come.

O little bird,

what do you feel?

sitting in the tree,

under the rain.

Chunks #1

I always find it strange how people including me can still get so depressed and down and sad despite how delicious that pancake was or how beautiful the sky was yesterday morning and man, the sky is beautiful every single day, yet, so many seems sadly blind to it.

Blinded by themselves.

A self searching for the sound

wondering where it came from

searching 

and searching

and

never once realized that,

the world is white

the roads merge

the stars doesn't shine

shrouded by a blind fold

made of threads 

listening and listening

searching and searching

but

never once ask

why can't I see?

What makes one different?

what makes a person different?

let's cut to the chase, i was never one who put another human being as admirable by their exterior thus my lack of fan girling as they say.

I never understood some people are being adored simply by being an actress or singer or model or some tv personality.  I just can not comprehend it and even when I try, back to zero.

For me, everyone has the same virtue. We were all born in the same inner state no matter in what condition we lived in although gradually as we get older, something somewhere in us changes and thus is how the emergence of all these individuals with strange habits, obsessions, likes and a diverse range of opinions too.

I'm that kid who gets annoyed easily especially when people rave over looks bam bam. For me, that's just retarded. Obsessing and longing to have that person's nose or i wish i have her nose or if i only have long legs bla bla bla bla blaaaaaaaaaaa gahd. Please, stay away from me. When people idolize over a certain famous individual, the same thought would always cross my mind.

Aren't we all the same? By beauty, what do you mean? You're just as pretty too you know?

i don't know why but i have this habit of imagining random people i see while walking around to be one of those famous people they all "admire" and thought meh what's the difference, that girl at the coffee shop i just saw is damn pretty too so what makes her different from those you rave over?

Frankly i'm stating this because I think in a sense this habit of crooning over someone's exterior indulgently in the end brings a cloud of insecurities towards the admirer especially when the admirer herself already have this sense of not being satisfied or ashamed of herself. There's nothing wrong with admiring one's features but it's wrong when it's too much where the admirer starts to compare that, say, model to herself and others and feel ugly.  Oh and also when people are so obsessed with that a certain famous individual and get this disease called being blind even though you're not. That's so wrong.

God Himself is proud with what He created so why are we creations of God ashamed of ourselves when the one whom our world revolves around are extremely proud and loves us more that we love ourselves?

but ya, it's fine with simply admiring it because you're admiring God's creation and that's it.
Say Alhamdulillah and move on tsk.

"and proclaim, the favor of your Lord" - Surah Ad dhuha

See, even God likes it when we talk about His blessings. You see, blessings come in variety of versions and some, may not come directly to us, but to the people around us.

when one door closes, another opens

The sun was blazing hot that day, yet it wasn't the type of weather where you'll instantly get fried the moment you step out of shade, it was the typical weather. Sunny with the occasional breeze.It was those days where everyone seems to be occupied with who knows what they are busy with. Those days where it seems as if, you are invincible from the eyes of occupiers.

and there she sat,
with her worn out shoes, worn after trying to run away from her own,self.
there she sat, with tired and swollen eyes, undecipherable eyes, beaten but fighting.
her back was slouched against the wall, head facing the old beaten sidewalk, and in her right fist is a crumpled once important note.

She couldn't understand how twisted everything could be. Just minutes ago, she was bustling around full of energy and joy like a little box bursting with colors yet now, her once glowing pedestal stood dull and lifeless staring at a vast empty land full with everything but faith. Faith. How could she have faith in anything else after the faith she kept and believed in all these years suddenly decide to shoot itself down in front of her.

The world was silent as she sat with her swirling pool of thoughts shrouded with despair, anguish and hopelessness. The clock keeps ticking. The world continues to rotate at its axis. People continuously bustle around the small street beside the sidewalk occupied with their own world failing to notice the fragile and broken existence of the girl with the lifeless pedestal sitting lifelessly at the sidewalk. Thus is humans.

The girl, tired of slouching, straightened her back and tilted her head slowly but surely to the front. She saw how the cars sped by, gifting the sidewalk with nothing but dust. She saw how the world continues to operate, not stopping for any broken soul and alas she was just another one of the many broken souls. She saw how the sky remains blue and serene despite all the tragedies that are currently happening under its protection. She saw how that little 5 year old boy fell down  while trying to chase his mom, cried, stood up again, and caught up with his mom who was waiting for him with a small packet of candy to reward him for his courage. Slowly, she close her tired eyes.

Thoughts after thoughts erupted in her mind until one distinct thought  starts to emerge. The voice of her father when he lost his job. His voice rang through the girl's head like the sound of the bell of a cathedral.  "When one door closes, another opens".

Abruptly, she opened her eyes, took a long deep breathe, pushed one hand to the ground and wearily stood up on the sidewalk. Without sparing another glance at the crumpled piece of paper in her right fist, she threw it in the dustbin right beside her as though it was waiting for her to realize the reason for its existence. It was as if the sole reason she sat there was to throw the paper away. "Geez, how stupid is this" said the once lifeless soul.

Wiping away the dust and tears, she put one foot in front of the other and walk away from the gloomy vicinity. She knew though, that the gloominess will still creep in her shattered pedestal but she now knew that it's not worth the time to deal with gloomy stuff when the whole world is bursting with colors waiting for her to paint patterns with the colors. The wise words from her father engulfed her and burnt a new light in her dark abyss.

A new light of faith and hope that she hope will last and even if it won't, she will fight for its light and if it still wants to fade away, i guess she'll just light a new one and move on with that source of light as it is no use to cry over spilled milk. Good that.

another one

Narrated by Abu Huraira' (may Allah be please with him) :
I heard Allah's Messenger (Peace be upon him) saying : There were two fraternal persons among the Children of Israel. One of them was engrossed in committing sins while the other was devoted to worship.

The devotee used to see his fellow committing sin and advise him : Desist from doing.

One day when he found his fellow committing sin. He said to him : Avoid it.

His fellow said : Leave me alone. Have you been sent out as a vigilant on me.

The devotee said : By Allah, He will neither forgive you nor admit you to Paradise.

When they died, they were gathered before the Lord of the world.

Allah asked the devotee : Were you assured of knowing Me or were you having power over what was in My Hands?

Then He said to the sinner : Go and enter Paradise by My Mercy ; and ordered the angels about the devotee : Lead him to Hell.

(This Hadith is sound and reported by Abu Daud in his Sunan)

'After narrating the Hadith, Abu Huraira commented: By Him in Whose Hand my soul is: One word spoken by the devotee ruined his good deeds in the world as well as in the Hereafter. *This Hadith signifies that no body should claim whether one would enter Paradise or step into Hell because the verdict here, is for Allah Who is All-Omnipotent over every thing, will decide whatever He likes. A righteous person is required to do good and avoid evil for the sake of Allah only and advise others with the same. He should not say such words as to challenge the authority of Allah. Moreover, it is wrong to feel desperate from the Mercy of Allah.*



So that's basically what the Hadith meant. But the main reason why i decided to post this here is  for me to constantly remind myself  of how dangerous words can be. No matter how "righteous" or "close" to God or "amazing" you think you are, no one should have any right to stride around uttering words that put people down simply because he thinks he's better and negate the whole concept of getting close to God on the 1st place.

that's why, silence is golden.

This can also be related to my daily life.
Joking around with friends, talking to my parents, teachers, grandma, juniors and everyone around me, sometimes i forget myself and unintentionally or intentionally say something immature which I CAN'T take back which is extremely regretful.

and just knowing that because of your words, your whole "future" can be affected is a risk i refuse to take. So this is for me. For you. For everyone.

contentment

illusion.

we're all living in our own deluded world of delusion.



ever wonder why it's so hard to be content than being discontent by someone or something?

delusions.

the way we view the world, the way we view ourselves, the way we view the events around us ... are all analysed and characterised by the way we want it to be.

how do you own a positive mind?
by telling yourself you're awesome. by feeding your mind with motivating happy thoughts that generate a positive charge which in the end results in you feeling good. That itself is a proof of how illusionlike this world is. it shapes itself the way we want it to be.

like how you could bury yourself under your duvet the whole day and not have a single of care of the world or read dozens of books in a day just to delve into your another
world that held the contentment you crave or maybe the way you don't care about what's happening around you because you're tired of how vile and unfair this world is.

yet, deep inside you know that no matter how much you want the world to rotate the way you want it to be, it just won't. No matter how desperately you want the time to quit ticking for a few minutes or hours or just a FEW SECONDS OMG because you forgot to do a freaking assignment that is supposed to be given in today, the clock will still go "tick tick tick" every second without missing a beat unless, the battery ran out :P

so today, after a nice quality time with my family, we prayed Isya' together.

Every broken pieces were momentarily snapped back in place,
there was no sound around us,
except for the beautiful prayer and quran recitations by my father,
and the occasional sounds of crickets and the creatures of the night,
all thoughts were erased,
my heart and mind were together, at ease,
contentment.
This is what true happiness is.
I couldn't describe the feeling for it feels... surreal,
yet standing beside my mother, praying, listening,
every cells in me thought "i wish time will just stop"
it hits me then after i turned my head to the left for the last action of the prayer,
how golden time really is,
how much i love my father and mother,
 and brother and grandma.
and my sisters and their family,
and,
i couldn't help but think,
"what if this is my last prayer with my mom and dad?"
and.
i also couldn't ignore the thought of,
how far my sisters are,
and how precious the old times are,
and how little i appreciated things back then,
and how time never stop for a single being,
and how kind and sweet Allah is.

conclusion is : contentment and true happiness are often found when you stop chasing the world. For, the world will come to those who doesn't chase after it and only then, will your heart be filled with ease.

sorry if this doesn't make sense to you but i have been told that i am pretty complicated and not many people understand the way i deliver things but then again, i only live to please my Almighty Creator and this, is my lair of thoughts.